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[personal profile] morgannalefey
My parents weren't profoundly strict, or particularly full of all sorts of etiquette rules. They were, in fact, pretty lax in that department. We never wrote thank you cards, for example. It was simply not something we were ever taught to do.

But one thing I did learn, and I am surprised at how deeply I have this ingrained in me, is that there are -some- situations where family is important and you don't just blow off family during important milestones in life unless you have a -really- amazingly good reason for it. So over the years, I've come to recognize this basic attitude in myself. I keep being flabbergasted when confronted with examples of the families of friends, or my husband, or my own brother, who behave in ways that I thought would have been utterly unconscionable in my family.

Our best friend is getting married to a lovely woman from out of the US. He's a great guy, a great friend. Always there for us, willing to help out, run errands, play games, etc. His fiancee is sweet, funny, intelligent and also generous and willing to help out.

Apparently, though, his kids don't believe it. They've completely cut him off. His daughter didn't call to tell him when his own grandchild was born. His son doesn't respond to outreach, either. My friend finally just stopped trying. Oh, our friend was good enough to speak with them back when his daughter was getting married and she wanted money for her big fancy wedding...

But now he's getting married, and there are certain things you just DO when people get married. I'm hosting a bridal shower for his fiancee, and my husband is hosting a bachelor party. Both are being held here, so local friends can attend, though the wedding will be taking place in the United Kingdom with her family all 'round (we're going to that, as well).

I wanted to invite the son's girlfriend and the daughter to the bridal shower as a chance for them to meet the bride in a non-threatening situation (loads of family and family friends they know would be there, they'd know more people there than the bride). I also thought the son should be invited to the bachelor party.

I can't track down phone numbers, or emails, or addresses for any of them. All the information I have seems to be disconnected or out of date. I managed to find the girlfriend in Facebook, I'd met her at a jewelry party held by her boyfriend's aunt. I reminded her who I was and asked her to friend me so I could send an invite to her. She friended me. I invited her to the event via Facebook, and poof, she's unfriended me. Not even the courtesy of any sort of comment to me.

I've sent a message to the son, asking him to please do me the courtesy of responding. This not saying a word to me, and just disappearing might seem very clear. I suppose to others it is, but there's a part of me who just can't believe they're really -being- like this. I mean, what the FUCK?! I keep thinking there's got to be some sort of misunderstanding. I want them to just state things clearly to me. This all feels like a load of shitty game playing.

Ok, I could totally see their actions if my friend had been an abusive father. I don't know, maybe he was. But he wasn't so abusive that his daughter didn't ask him for money and didn't invite him to her wedding (though at the last minute she DID decide she didn't want him walking her down the aisle). I've only known him for the last, oh, four or five years or so. He's -great-. Whatever he might once have been, he's not whatever guy it was that so completely ruined their lives that they can't even do him the most basic courtesies DUE to him as their FATHER.

I have a really hard time with understanding how they can be like this. What sort of people must they be that they can be such total fucking shits when their father finally has found love again after being alone for so long? Or, alternatively, what sort of monster is our friend that I'm totally unable to see anything even remotely monster-like in him?

ETA: Ok, now that I've settled down a bit and gotten my personal nose a little less out of joint, I have to be fair to a certain extent. It's entirely possible that my friend has burned through whatever chances they'd given him in some way or other. I don't know the whole story (and it's not really my business anyway). So I'm sure in -their- minds, they're acting in their own best interest and protecting themselves.
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morgannalefey: (Default)

April 2010

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