morgannalefey: (Default)
[personal profile] morgannalefey
My brother called last night asked me to take Dad for six months to give him a break.

My father has had a couple of strokes and is disabled. His cognitive abilities have been trashed and he's got some paralysis. He's crochety, unhappy with his lot in life, hates feeling like a burden, feels trapped in his body, and is frustrated by his limitations. His health is iffy at best.

My house is ten miles outside town. The closest VA hospital (where he is able to get health care) is two hours away. I work fifty minutes away from the house, my husband is thirty minutes away (and we only have the one car, which I take to my office after dropping my husband off). We live in a cold climate, so Dad would be cold *all* the *time*. We don't have high speed internet (well, we have satellite, but it's dodgy sometimes) so Dad would have more limited contact with his online communities. He'd be alone all day long (my brother has an office at home so he's there most of the time). And Dad's feeling of being a burden would just increase, rather than decrease, by staying with me.

In all ways our house is *the worst* possible choice for Dad's situation. My brother has, of course, fixated on it as "the solution" when it's not any sort of solution.

I think the real solution that would help everyone would be for them to get some family therapy to work out the communication problems they're having, to help Dad settle better in Shaun's home (he was moved a while ago out of the house my Mother had bought for him because Shaun couldn't keep up with both that house and his house), to help him modify his behaviour and make him less of a burden on my brother, to help my brother learn new ways of dealing with my dad and to stop thinking dad's behaviour is just maliciousness or laziness, to recognize that Dad's anger isn't just coming from out of the blue... for all of them to learn better ways of dealing with each other.

But of course my brother refuses. He won't take the time, refuses to accept it might help, and thinks just "sharing the burden" by having me take Dad will fix everything. "Just give me a break for six months and I'm sure I'll be good for another four years."

So I'm trying to work out some options that will give him the respite he needs, get dad the therapy *he* needs (even if Shaun won't do it), and just put Dad in a better situation.

I wish I'd talked to Mom about this more in depth before she died.... *sigh*

Date: 2006-04-24 12:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] llahearn.livejournal.com
*sigh* I'm sorry, sweetie. Energy heading your way.

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morgannalefey

April 2010

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